Sometimes I think about writing again, and how much I enjoy writing, and then I remember that I already do a lot of "writing" on twitter, and that that should be fine.
It's not. I'm sorry for all 2 of you who have been waiting for me to write something remotely interesting again.
Even worse is the juxtaposition between this entry and the previous, amazingly hopeful entry, tonally. I don't even know where to start
I guess we start from that fateful summer?
Graduation time was a wonderful feeling. The rest of my life was going to begin, and it was going to start with making career moves. Stuff at the day job, stuff in freelance. After a summer of doing other things, I could finally find the strength to return to creative work.
It's honestly a bummer to get the triple whammy of having Hi Score Girl, Megaman 11, and JoJo Part IV officially casted without even getting a chance to audition or anything, but that's neither here nor there. I know it's not right to get upset over professional matters, but it's still a major bummer because those three things made up a huge part of who I am today. It's consolation that the person playing Haruo though is Johnny, which makes me really happy. (He plays a lot of my favorites, which is pretty funny in its own way.)
But it was basically everything I'd hoped for. I actually got to have friends come over, we did stuff, went on small ventures, got a lot of arcade time in, and it was amazing. I also got to spend a lot of my time with my dog, who was my bestest friend in the whole world.
... yes, I just wrote "was". That's because all dreams, no matter how wonderful, must come to an end. She was diagnosed with cancer in the fall. From there, any creative pursuits kind of ground to a halt. I still made a few things here and there, but my time was officially refocused towards enjoy what time we had left together.
And you know what? It was almost perfect. It sucked watching her struggle with stuff she'd been doing just fine beforehand, but we got through. During that period, we just hung out in the family room, since she could no longer make it up onto the bed in my room. Despite that, she bore it all with a smile and wagging tail. If you didn't know, you couldn't tell. Stranger still, I also got to spend more time with my parents, and it was the closest I'd felt to family in a very long time. If you didn't know anything was wrong, you could've guessed we were having the times of our lives.
She left us in January. I vaguely remember starting to work out again, and things were looking up again. Though she was sick, we made the most of it. And then she was gone, along with whatever momentum my life was riding on at the moment.
It's been a while since then, and I've since gotten back to acting/editing, and occasionally working out. I've also managed a few new 1CC clears on some Fatal Fury games, and that's always cool. One particular highlight is finally finishing the main quest on that cart of Dragon Quest III on the GameBoy that I got from my grandma ages ago. She got it for me when I was a kid, and I'd play it everywhere, until the battery suddenly died early on me. It sucked losing all those monster medals, but I eventually found the gumption to pick it up and finish it.
And y'know, that's basically been the theme these last few months. No matter how badly it hurt losing my original party and all the medals I'd collected before, I sat down and finished the game my grandma got me. On a different note, I finally got to rewatch the Fatal Fury TV specials and movie, after not having seen them since I was REALLY little. My dad got them on VHS in the 90s, which was quite some time ago, huh? In them, the hero, Terry Bogard, accidentally gets a girl killed, and eventually loses horribly in a fight. Across all 3 specials, we see him consumed and almost blinded by his drive to accomplish his goals, and mourn the loss of people important to him. We also see a pretty inspiring fall from grace and subsequent return to form. Finally, there's the recent release of Final Fantasy 7 on Switch, which I liked when I was younger. Of course, I shouldn't have to tell you that this is a story of a man who struggles with his sense of identity, as well as the sudden death of a friend (or lover, if that floats your boat).
It's kinda creepy that all these things about coping with loss come into my life at this time. Shoot, even Dragon Quest III was about vengeance and loss for a bit, wasn't it? It's been a while, so I tell myself I'm fine these days, but it still very much bothers me.
It's always been my MO to just lose myself in working on stuff, gaming, or wandering around, but without her around, a lot of this stuff feels more hollow than ever. For a long while, I've toyed with the idea of quitting my creative pursuits because it feels like nobody else really cares. I never seem to be in the right place at the right time, and the world seems to just turn without me. I don't make locals anymore due to work or working on creative stuff; my creative work never seems to gain any traction, so it's tempting to scratch the part of my brain that yearns for accomplishment by competing against others or brushing up on my skills in PvP games, rhythm, or difficult action games. But when she would pop out of nowhere, either to console me or because she just wanted to play, she'd remind me that life was still "fun". That everything would be alright if I just tried my best at whatever I was doing that day, and no matter how hectic or intense the day would get, it would end with her comfy and sleepy on my bed or somewhere nearby. Things would be okay.
I know it's weird to feel this way, considering this is the era where we can connect to all sorts of people via the internet, but accomplishing these things and not really having anyone to share in your growth, your failures, your fears and your dreams, is kinda lonely. I mean, you can just upload photos and videos of what you're up to, but is that guarantee anyone's actually listening? I could send my work or even my gameplay vids to the human beings I consider "friends", but is that a guarantee that they'll care or even check them out? Plus, you can never account for taste, and not everyone will "understand" what you do.
That's why it's pretty funny to think that a dog would, but she did. Empathy goes far beyond just being able to understand "art", or performance. What's amazing bout my dog, and a lot of animals in general, is that they're like emotional mirrors: they're empathetic towards your behavior and feelings. Maybe my girl didn't get what was going on, but she was excited because I was excited. She basically played off of the energy I was giving, and in that way, she was able to share in my accomplishments and frustrations.
Sometimes it feels like I don't have that anymore. I'm super happy for the people in my life, and all the life experiences we get to share. I'm even grateful for my e-friends who're always coming up with cool stuff every other day, and are often full of encouraging words and thoughts. I don't know, sometimes I feel like I don't wanna burden anyone with what goes on in my head. Yet, there she was. Like she could just smell whenever I had something on my mind. Even when she was alive, if I was in a horrible mood, I'd tell her, "not now", and shoo her away so she wouldn't have to see me at my worst. More often than not, she'd still hang around my closed door, supporting me whether I liked it or not. I was what I loved most about her.
I like to think I've grown these last few years, yet the more I grow and learn, the more I feel like there's so much more to go. Sometimes it's exciting to constantly find new heights to reach and shoot for. Sometimes it feels like it's never enough. But as of late, this pursuit seems hollow.
We're often told that we should sometimes do things just for ourselves. But at the end of the day, the best kind of joy is the kind that can be shared with others. Perhaps the reason why everything felt like it would be okay was because of her: no matter what I did or happened, it was something I could share with her.
Thus, I'm left a bit conflicted. To be left alone with my thoughts and actions like this make me wonder what the point of it all is. At the same time, I'm fortunate enough to have people that are willing to lend a shoulder, but I'm afraid of overstepping my boundaries and breaking that shoulder clean off. I understand that the level of support my girl gave me was immeasurable, and to try and place that weight onto someone else would be unfair. Furthermore, I'd feel extremely guilty if I were ever to give anyone the impression that I was merely trying to recast the role she played in my life. So at the end of the day, I'm often left asking myself, "what the heck am I supposed to do?"
So day by day, bit by bit, breath by breath, I'm trying to move forward. Currently, I'm directing/editing a super cool project based on one of my favorite books, "Three Days of Happiness. I'm also still cranking away on the X4 Re-Vocalize project, I recently got a super hot technical tip that'll help me make the project more "comprehensive" like I originally wanted. (Thanks @acediez and the romhacking.net contributors!)
So don't worry about me. I'm still here, still doing stuff. I know from this entry, it may not sound that way, but if there's anything my gaming-addict lifestyle has taught me, it's this:
If you want to see the ending, you gotta keep playing 'til the end. This is especially true for anyone who's done co-op play: you gotta get to the end for the sake of everyone that's helped you get there.
... and if you want a "good ending", you have to try to make the most of the life you're given.
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